Finance, Forex and Investments

Inlaws expectations of me getting too much or am I wrong?

We(husband and I) grew up in India, met and got married in college abroad, and now live in a western country. When we visit India, I ALWAYS follow all the customs, rules and traditions of the family we are staying with. When my in-laws visit us for a few months every year, I make sure their every need is met. I ensure they are not bored, find and take them to activities/temples, shopping. I don't use them as babysitters at all. I cook foods they enjoy, and have long chat sessions with them about their life and stories. But, I also continue to live my regular life with my husband's total approval. Which means, I wear my regular western clothes everyday (and Indian dresses for occasions), I have wine/beer with my husband, my husband and I might put an arm around each other or a quick hug, I cook meat in the house (kids and husband like it), I wear slippers at home, I wear shorts when exercising, I go swimming. I don't wear tons of jewelry all the time, I keep my hair very short. I wear sleeveless but decent tops. My in-laws have a problem with the above mentioned. I told them if I can do something for their comfort like food, activity, call their friends, help with setting up their pooja/prayer stuff, travel, sightseeing, let me know. But, please, personal interference in my life is not welcome. I am 30+ mother of 2, and I live my life according to my terms with husband's approval. My husband totally supports me, and in-laws don't complain to him. They only nag me, make long faces, sulk for hours on end. My husband had made it clear to them that I have his full backing, and as long as I am taking care of them OK and making them feel welcome, the rest is my personal business. finally, today, we were going out for dinner. My mother-in-law didn't like my dress, she scolded me in front of my kids and said to go change or they will not come with us. I quietly went and sat in the car. She didn't come. the rest of us went ahead with dinner. She wants to cut short the visit. My husband gave them the phone and the number of the airlines to advance their ticket. What should I do? My mother (my own mother!) says,I should apologize and adjust my dressing and other habits to suit my in-laws taste. My husband says enough is enough, I'll take care of it. Should I give in for family peace or stay out of it, and let them return to India next week?

Public Comments

1. Stand your ground!! If u don't they'll know they have the power to make u do what they want to
2. In the end, its your life you are living, not theirs. Be yourself because you can't be anyone else. Funny, no one suggested your inlaw's adjust their habits to suit your taste... Why is that? What makes their judgement any more valuable than yours?
3. D ont you dare say sorry. You have done nothing wrong.You are a grown women, do not leave her belittle you.
4. Their beliefs are not your beliefs. You do not attempt to force any of you likings on them. You are a big enough person to abide by their rules/customs when you stay with them, and in return they should respect you while in your home as well. I say that since your husband is willing to stand up to his family (and always has it seems) then let him do that. He probably knows the best way to get through to them. I think you have been very accommodating thus far, and should not have to "give in" while at your home anymore.
5. I would be helping them pack their bags LOL! Stuff like this just makes me so angry I can't even explain it. Your mother in law has a stick firmly wedged in her butt & it's too bad that she wants to live like that. She sounds like an attention seeking child. Like she can sit there & pout & refuse to go until she gets her way. I'm SO glad that you went ahead & left her there. If you give in now it will never stop. You are married to her son but that does not mean that she OWNS you. Making some adjustments to keep the peace is fine & most of us have to do that at times but this is overboard.
6. YOU HAVE A GREAT HUSBAND!! You need to tell him that they need to leave if they do not respect you and your husband's life together. Your husband has your back now tell him that your mother in - law can leave immediately and that SHE should apologize to you for disrespecting you and scolding you for no reason at all. If she really hates that you are "westernized" than she should have thought of that before she got on the plane to the western world. She needs to grow up. Good luck! xoxo
7. Heh heh! it is so funny the stuff you've mentioned. I think you are one smart lady who has done all she can to make in-laws comfortable and at home, but are independent enough to stand up for your personal choices. And, you are doing it with husband's support. You are very lucky, few Indian husbands will actually talk to their parents and support their wife. Most expect/request/beg wives to "adjust", "compromise". I think you have done your part. Let them go back to India. When they are calm, explain to your mother-in-law that you are sad this happened, and that you have done your best. You are sure to get a bunch of responses here saying "treat them as your parents", "what would you do if it was your parents", "one day your kids will treat you like this". Ignore them. I applaud you for what you have done in taking care of in-laws. And, it is necessary to be assertive when anyone tries to boss you around about your extremely personal issues like dressing, being affection with husband etc. Appreciate your husband, and be sure to tell him it means a lot to you that he supports you. I repeat, you are very lucky. In Indian families, you cannot do what you are doing without husband's support.
8. I'm natural born American, but I have spoken with many Indians who live near me, and I live within walking distance of the recently completed largest Hindu temple in North America. I also come from a very religiously conservative background. I say all that to tell you that I feel that I can understand where you're coming from. You sound remarkably accommodating to me. You are a wonderful hostess, and I would feel honored if I were a guest of yours. In my opinion, you have gone far above and beyond the call of duty as a hostess. In my opinion, one's duty to treat other people kindly ends when they behave rudely. To be ordered, in your own house, to change clothes was rude. You handled the situation with dignity, but without giving in. Your reaction was impressive to me in its constraint. I find myself in agreement with your husband and disagreement with your mother. I love the way he gave them the airlines' phone number to advance their ticket. That was bravely assertive of him! You seem extremely proficient in English, so I hope you know what I mean when I say that he has called their bluff. Personally, I think you should keep doing exactly what you are doing, which is standing up for yourself rather than behaving passively. Good for you, good for your self esteem, and good for your marriage. My only advice would be, before your in-laws' next visit, you explain to them in advance, and in writing, what your rules for yourself are. Remind them what happened this time, and warn them that they will need to adjust their expectations if they hope to have a better visit.
9. no,you are right,aapne jo kuchh kiya sahi kiya,
10. Wow! I admire you so much. I am married with a man who is from a traditional background - and I have had issues with the in-laws in the past, however, I have the excuse that I am not from that culture. Plus, my uncle is married to an Indian lady, again, if he commits any mistakes - he has the get out of jail card, because he is not an Indian. I have been to India and spent time with traditional families so I know how strong you are being right now. More power to you sister! So keep going - the worst part is behind you. You have stood your ground, and they have to live with this now. Your husband is behind you, but make sure she does not cut off all contact on account of your kids. They may want to go to India for longer periods when they are older and it would be nice for them to have contact with their roots. Let them return to India, but try to reconcile with them. Do not change yourself, you sound like an amazing woman and your family (including the in-laws) are very lucky to have you!
11. Hi Anita, You sound like a nice wife and daughter in law. And you are lucky to get such a supporting husband. I can see you try to put them as comfortable as possible. But generally, every mom in law will only try to blow up the smallest and siliest things that she doesnt like with daughter in law. But, when u try to do so much to make them feel good, why to be stiff in terms of dress alone? Nothing wrong in she expect her daughter in law to be in traditional dress when going out. And generally elder are bit egoistic in such issues. Anyway, they r going to be there for a short period. Try to make things pleasant and pleasing for them. Nothing wrong in they expect you to be a tradtional indian wife. You doing so much to comfort them, one small issue spoils all the effort and make u a odd one out in the family. If you agree and accept our indian tradition and custom, it is important that you are accepeted by everyone in ur husband's family. That acceptance and respect will go a long way as you grow. Even if ur hubby says they can go, it will look like u make them go away. And in such situation, I doubt if ur mom in law will ever visit u again. Nothing wrong in apologising to her. After all she is like your mother. Change urself a bit to make her happy and tell others that she has got a wonderful daughter in law. After all what she expect from you is sure not harmful in anyway. Next, never bring your hubby between you both in such issues. If your hubby doesnt talk to them to sort out, but tell them they can go, it is sure seriously wrong from his part. Think over, sure u will laugh out abt why all these happening. If you had changed to some dress what she prefers her daughter in law to wear, all these would not hv happened. Make it a point to mak them stay as they planned. See that she feels ok with you. If not, she is not going to visit u for ever and u will have a uneasyness in ur inlaws place when u visit. What your mom says is right. May be she has adviced u bit late. See that ur mom in law stays back, even if you hv to apologies with her and tell that you will change ur habits